Today is the worldwide General Conference for my church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). So that means that exactly 6 months ago, I was bringing my lovely baby boys home from the hospital after staying there for 5 days. As we packed, Elder Bednar was giving his talk.
After I delivered the boys, I wrote this post about the delivery (sorry, it's in Portuguese but you can use the translator). I explained how the delivery was and I was pretty traumatized. I even told Sam that I would never have babies ever again. Good thing he was fine with it and still is.
When I look at these pictures I just can't believe how small they were - not to mention cute. But I remember that even with all the cuteness I was never convinced I wanted to have more babies. Even with my forever longing to be a mother for so many years... I was just DONE with being pregnant and having more babies.
I studied Psychology and I took a Child Development class. I learned that women forgets pain. This can be considered an evolutionary mechanism to keep the specie procreating. If women were to remember how painful it is to have a baby, they would never want to do it again. All women have it. It's a hormone that is released into the body. So what happens? We remember the pain existed, we remember we are traumatized but we forget the pain itself. To be honest, I don't mind that and yes, I have forgotten how the pain felt like, although I remember I was in the worst pain ever.
So, I have been working on a scrapbook for the boys. They each have their own. I have kept all of their hospital tags, I developed pictures, etc etc and I am putting everything in it and also writing how things went. It brought back the memories of that magical moment when you hear the baby cry for the first time, how they are so small, and how much they cling to you and know you. It is love at first sight.
Then a couple of weeks ago I went to the bookclub meeting I'm part of and the girl that organized it is one of my best friends (she's the one that takes all of our family's professional pictures). Well, she's pregnant and she looks soooo darn cute with her little cute belly. So, I got inspired.
I do for reals now want to have one more baby. Depending how it goes, maybe two (one at a time though...).
As you may know, I had twins last October. My last month was very hard and I gained most of my pregnancy weight during that month. There was one week I gained 10lbs. Can you believe it? I sure couldn't when I saw that big number on the scale. I gained 70lbs during the pregnancy.
I have never been fat but I have never been skinny either. Most of my life I was in the healthy range until I got married. Once Sam and I planned our second round of IVF I asked the doctor what was under my control that I could do to increase our chances. He told me to try to lose 5% of my body weight. I did in 3 months and then I was back in the healthy weight range and I was really happy.
Two days after I delivered the twins I finally had enough strength on my legs to walk to the bathroom. When I looked down I could not believe the size of my belly and how much skin was hanging. My sister brought me pants size 18 and they did not fit that day... I cried, a lot.
Like the majority of women, I was eager to drop it all off and forget it ever happened. I was sad and sometimes post-partum depression would get in the mix and then it was a nightmare.
It's been almost 7 months since I had the boys. I weigh a little less than I did before I lost the 5% pre-IVF. However, I have all the extra skin around my waist and it doesn't look the way it used to even when I was overweight. I not only have extra skin but I have a ton of stretch mark... I mean, seriously, this (pic on the right) is how I was looking like the day I delivered the twins. I was stretched to the max. I was sad for a while. I was losing weight but at turtle speed and when I was really sad I stopped losing weight.
But, things changed, inside me.
After a lot of introspection, a few months ago I realized that extra skin, stretch marks, being fat, who cares? I am worth no less. I am a mother who is loved by my babies and my husband. I mean, look at Sam's smile on this picture, does he look like he loves me any less? I don't think so and he's told me so.
The world tries to make women think that they have to have this perfect body, be able to get the clothes off of a mannequin and fit perfectly in them. And then, only then, they are powerful women that can conquer the world. I mean, seriously?! We have this whole magazine-pictures-being-manipulated campaign and young girls are asking what program they used instead of frowning on changing people to that extent (I know, major generalization but I have witnessed it happening, sadly). My children will mimic how I think about my body and if I think that I'm worth something only if I look certain way, what kind of message am I teaching them?
That is why I stopped worrying about losing weight. I'm not on a diet, I eat everything and anything I want. Sometimes (more like most of the time) I don't even exercise. Yes, I do have time to exercise, but I use it to do other things that I think are more important.
All of this change in attitude I attribute to the gospel in my life. Christ has atone for my sins, worries, sickness, sad feelings, etc etc. He healed me inside and that's what makes me powerful and peaceful. I am a happy Mormon woman. I know I am the daughter of a King. We are all of noble birth and that's what makes us invaluable not how we look or how our skin is tight around the waist... Happiness and contentment makes us pretty, our smiles brighter, our lives perfect, and our loved ones even more lovely.
What has been the result of all of this? I have lost weight, a lot of it... Are you baffled? I am whenever I step on the scale... I actually wonder why I still step on the scale, but I think I do it out of habit more than anything. I have dropped 10lbs without following any diet and exercising maybe once a week, if that. All I do is eat like a Brazilian (which I am) and eat every 4 hrs (which I have always done).
I have been puzzled for a while as to why. The math (calories out and calories in) really doesn't add up. Then my friend tagged me to this video on Facebook. It's called "The pace of modern life versus our cavewoman biochemistry" by Dr. Libby. She solved the puzzle for me, in a biological and mental way.
From what Dr. Libby says, I have lost weight because I have been pretty relaxed. I have been so content and happy with my life that I wouldn't change anything. Things don't stress me anymore. The boys have been on a routine and they follow it just fine. Consequently I have my routine too and I have been just fine. And most important of all, I have stopped criticizing my body and how I look vs. how I used to look.
Here is a little video of one of my favorite songs to go along with this post :) Perfect if there is something bothering you, whatever it is.
Uma amiga compartilhou isso no Facebook. Mas uma receita para eu não perder!
Bolinhos de Batata e Queijo
02 e ½ xícaras (chá) de batata amassada 02 ovos com as gemas separadas 01 xícara (chá) de queijo ralado Sal e pimenta a gosto
Pré-aqueça o forno a 180°C. Misture a batata já cozida e amassada com as gemas e o queijo ralado e tempere com o sal e pimenta. Bata as claras em neve e misture à massa de batata. Despeje colheradas da mistura sobra uma forma forrada com papel manteiga. Asse em forno pré-aquecido a 180ºC por 15 a 20 minutos até que as bolinhas fiquem firmes e douradas. Retire do forno e bom apetite
The boys will be six months April first. I have read in a book that at around that age, babies have better association patterns so it's good to have a good night time routine so the baby knows it's time to go to bed for the night.
With that in mind, Sam and I started a more defined routine. The routine is: eat, bath, little massage, dim lights, story time, song while putting them in the crib, good night kisses, lights out. It has worked so well and the boys start rubbing their eyes as Sam "reads" to them.
The first time we did it, it was kind of chaos because we ourselves were trying to get the hang of it. If it was one baby I think it would be no problem, but with two... It can be challenging (but always fun nonetheless).
The second night we did it it went very smooth. Then I sat on the floor and listened to Sam "read" to them. In that moment, for a second, a surge of happiness and love just came over me, then I thought "this must be what eternity feels like."
Heavenly Father has been good to us. I'm so glad He made us wait to have kids so we could take every moment, every second, to its fullest. It's such a joy that families can be together forever.
If life was a storybook, I felt like all of a sudden the page of my book would not turn and it wasn't going to ever turn in this life. Now that it has turned I will squeeze them and kiss them to death.
When my family immigrated to the US in 1998, I never thought (in my little mind set) that the U.S. would be so extremely different than Brazil. Here are some minor and major differences:
When my family arrived in Utah.
This is my sister coming out of the gate
- High School, a public school, in other words = free, is better than the private school I went to in Brazil in terms of structure. Level of education, not so much.
- Why are most of the trash cans under the sink?
- You get to blow your nose in public and it's perfectly fine
- The restroom stalls have this weird gap that compromises my privacy
- I get to drive on the freeway at 65-75 mph, really? In my city, the max is 45-50 mph. So lame!
- Self-check out?!
- sandals and socks being worn at the same time. First time I saw it I went WHAAAAT
- In 1998 young women didn't wear heels to church. I was the only one and got the stares. I thought every young women my age worn heels to church.
- I speak almost no English and I'm on the top 5% of my class?!
There are tons more, but these are the ones I remember the most from when I arrived... Some are so shallow, I just realized...
And then you are settled, get the hang of the culture, and eventually you might end up getting married to a native. Then what? Well, you go on with having children.
My first year in High School. I took a choir class.
That's my dilemma and my problem as an immigrant. Of course my children will speak Portuguese, perfectly! :) But, what about their children? I am the granddaughter of Japanese immigrants. Both my parents are children of Japanese immigrants. Do I speak Japanese? No. Only words I probably should forget I know but I learned them with grandma. My mom is the only one that speaks Japanese. That's her first language actually.
My mom's mom is an avid journal writer. She has a few boxes of journals. Can I read them? No. I just know that when you read it, you go left to right on the vertical lines. Usually it would be from end to beginning but she has Brazilianized in that sense. There are a lot of things I don't know about her and I was never really able to talk to her because she doesn't really speak Portuguese.
The night before we left some of our friends came over.
That's why I started to write my blog in English, aside from the eczema post. I have started to write my journal in English too because I don't want my grandchildren to not be able to read my crazy thoughts like I can't read my grandma's.
To be honest, we all know [I think] that wives have a huge weight on the family dynamics and usually the husband's family is the one that gets pushed aside the most because of the wife's family that usually comes first (if the wife doesn't put a stop on it). I have seen it happen too many times, even in my own extended family. I try not to do this with my in-laws because I love them dearly but unconsciously things might happen and we may only realize it later.
So, I have two boys that will have their wives. Odds are, they will not speak my native language and I am the husband's family. So I assume that my grandchildren will not learn to speak Portuguese. I will be so sad if they can't read my story, my heritage, or feel of the love I have for the Savior through my journal. I also want them to realize that they have the life they have because of the immigrants that came before them, even before my generation. I have also written this blog address on many different parts of my journal in case it still exists when I'm gone. That way, they can read it too.
Are you in this same position or know of someone? What are your thoughts, counsel, and tips?
Sometimes (more like everyday) I wake up with a baby crying. I get up half awake, prepare bottles, then I feed the boys. I sit there between them while I'm hearing their cute sucking sound then I think that today I'm going to take a nap when they go down for their nap.
Once they're done, I change diapers, put lotion on them, comb their hair, clip their nails if needed (like this morning), play with them, and sing to them.
Then they go down for a nap and I go to the bathroom because, at this point, I would have held my business in for a while - oh mother nature, sometimes you're very inconvenient. Then I see the shower...
I take a shower and the sun gets brighter, I have more air in my lungs, and suddenly I have a weird desire to organize and clean everything.
I have been to far too many babyshowers before I had the boys. One common advise I heard from experienced mothers is "When they go to sleep, mom goes to sleep too." Perfect counsel that is hardly ever followed but we moms understand why.
No nap for me, and that's ok because sometimes, I prefer to have my bed made and the dishes cleaned and put away. Not to mention a new blog post :)
Estou postando a receita para eu não perder. É da minha amiga Mila e ele é delicioso!!!
Bolo de CenouraIngredientes:
3 cenouras grandes
4 ovos inteiros
1 copo de margarina derretida
2 copos de açúcar
2 copos de farinha de trigo
2 tablespoons de baking powder
Modo de fazer:
bater no liquidificador as cenouras, ovos e manteiga derretida
numa tigela colocar a farinha de trigo, açúcar e acrescentar o batido do liquidificador
por último colocar baking powder
Asse em médio ou baixo (eu coloco ou 350 ou 375, os dois dao certo!).
Cobertura: (eu gosto da cobertura molhada, tem gente que gosta daquela cobertura de chocolate mais durinha... na verdade eu também gosto desta mas nao sei fazer! haha entao eu sempre faço a mais molhada e dá bem certo, fica gostoso!)
15 tablespoons de açúcar
9 tablespoons de leite
6 tablespoons de nescau
Colocar numa panela em fogo alto e mexer até ferver. Assim que ferver, desligar e jogar sobre o bolo (eu gosto de furar o bolo com garfo pra entrar bem a cobertura).
So, remember this post? I had some many plans for my childless life and I was so excited - for reals, no sarcasm intended. On top of those I listed, I also planned for after Sam graduated from Law School to specialize on something else (I always wanted to go to nursing school or beauty school - because they are so related to each other [insert sarcasm]), on top of the MBA, open a party/event planning company, and go on many missions with Sam once he retired (this one can still happen if the boys are off on their own).
Well, now that I have children, things have changed and so have my goals, plans, and dreams. When Sam graduates and the babies are bigger, I want to:
Physical
- Go back to doing yoga. Someday I want to be able to do the crow again and its variations that I was never able to do (like the side crow) without almost falling on my face. I could do the crow for a second before dismounting (more like falling on my face...) but that was a huge progress! But then I got pregnant and was never able to do it again...
- I want to run a 5k and maybe someday run a half marathon
Spiritual
- Go on missions with Sam. Specially Temple and proselyting mission.
Family
- Take some cooking classes. I love to cook but I don't know techniques and such.
Intellectual
- When I came to the US (and before Sam happened), the plan was to graduate as a psychologist and then go to the holistic university my natural pathologist in Brazil owns in Paraguay. I was so excited and my parents were 100% supportive. With my education I would be able to hep people from mind to body. Now that I live in the US, I would love to get a ND Degree. Not from a quack unaccredited school, but from a real school like this one. It's a 4 year program and it's like medical school but focused on preventative medicine. Different from modern medicine that focuses more on curing the consequence and not the cause. This is a huge dream that will take time and money, but it would be grand if I was able to do it.
Well, I do have others but they are more every day things. These are on top of my list of the time and money consuming ones. Since I stopped working I have noticed that if I don't have a project going on or something that I need to get done, I get depressed and lost.... So it has been good while I had to get the house ready to sell (which we're not selling until Sam graduates, whoohoo) because I always had something to do. Now that the house is ready, I have been trying to finish other things that I started while I was working but was never able to finish after the boys were born.
Before I went on my mission, a friend told me something that I never forgot: "We are all given 24hrs a day, and we can do whatever we want with them" Some people become great people and others mediocre. I know that what this friend told me is obvious, but reminders are good and sometimes they strike me hard and make an impression... He told me that right before I left on my mission and I tried to remember that everyday as I tried to find people to teach the gospel. Now, I use it to remind myself that I should always strive to improve myself so I can help improve the world around me.
When I look at these pictures I just can't believe how small they were - not to mention cute. But I remember that even with all the cuteness I was never convinced I wanted to have more babies. Even with my forever longing to be a mother for so many years... I was just DONE with being pregnant and having more babies.
So, I have been working on a scrapbook for the boys. They each have their own. I have kept all of their hospital tags, I developed pictures, etc etc and I am putting everything in it and also writing how things went. It brought back the memories of that magical moment when you hear the baby cry for the first time, how they are so small, and how much they cling to you and know you. It is love at first sight.
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