Anyway, I came here the other day and I noticed I left things off in a very gloomy post. Well, you know, I had just lost a baby. I grieved for a while. Then guess what?! I got pregnant again last August, and I miscarried again. You would think that losing a second child like that makes things easier because you know what's coming... Well, grief is weird.
This time around I didn't have time to feel sad. Oh no! I felt plain ANGRY! I was so angry... At whom you may ask? Well, no one other than God. I was SO extremely angry at HIM! If He is all knowing, all this, and all that, how dare He?! He knows I want children and He knows how painful it is just to try to have children...
For some people it's all fun and games, literally... For me? A million injections, being hormonal for a month. The IVF month, I kid you not, I wanted to kill my poor husband every day.... Why? Just because he was breathing... When I noticed what was going on, when I was back to my normal self (which would last a few hours, if not minutes) I explained to him what was going on. I gave him the following instructions: 1. If I'm speaking non-sense in a very angry tone and face, look at me and pretend that you're paying attention and that I'm making sense. 2. In your head, and in your head only, disregard everything I'm saying. Just think about something else... 3. Do not, ever, bring up that it's just my hormones making me crazy. Unless you're suicidal and have no regard to your life.
And with that, we had a very lovely month........
Well, I got pregnant and, at 7 weeks I went to my first ultrasound to hear the heartbeat (one of the perks of doing IVF). Well, guess what, the sack where a baby is supposed to be was e.m.p.t.y. Funny thing is, I already knew that deep inside, even before the stupid long stick went inside me.
So yah, I was so angry with God that I couldn't sleep out of anger. So, I did this puzzle that was a Van Gogh painting and I watched a bunch of movies. One of them was "To The Bone" (that main song... I felt like it was written for me for that very moment - I added to the end of the post). Anyway, I'm in a food addiction program and I have a sponsor. I used to call her at 5:30AM. So, 5:30 AM came and for some odd reason I decided to call her. I had already told her the day before about the miscarriage. She was the second person I told, first being my parents. She wasn't expecting me to call, for obvious reasons... I was surprised I called...
I, of course, bawled my eyes out while talking to her. She then asked "how are you really feeling? Don't give me the standard answer, just tell me the truth." I went on to say how angry I was at God but felt so bad for being angry at Him. Then she asked "Have you told Him?" "No, I don't feel like talking to Him" "Well, get on your knees and lay it all out, tell Him how angry you are and why. Don't hold anything back... H.E. C.A.N. T.A.K.E. I.T.!!"
Being brought up as an active Christian (Mormon) we are taught to love God because He's our father, He created us, and all that. Being angry at Him is inconceivable unless you're the biggest sinner and could care less... (at least that's the rule I imposed in my head because that's not what Mormon doctrine teaches). But my wise sponsor, who is also Mormon, said "Don't our children sometimes get just so angry at us for things we make them do or not do because we can see what's best for them because of our experiences? Do we stop loving them because they're mad at us and they sure express it? Can we handle them being mad because we know what we're saying is better for them?" After me answering "Yes" to all those questions, she said "Why would things be any different with God as our Father and us as His children?"
So, for a week or so, I prayed. But I prayed to let Him know how mad I was at Him. How what He did, or allowed to happen, was so heartless and, SHAME ON HIM! In all honesty, those prayers were some of the most sincere ones I ever uttered. And let me tell you, the more I told Him how angry I was the less angry I felt.
After that period, the anger went away. That's when the hard part of grieving kicked in. I finally understood why some people get angry over sad when deeply sad things happen. When I was angry, I felt like I was in control because I decided to be angry. Sadness, however, it comes when I least expect and there is no trying to control it because it's just uncontrollable. When the tears want to flow, they just flow. When the chest feels tight with sadness pains, it tightens and there is nothing I can do about it except embrace it and wait for it to go away. Nonetheless, God was there with me. He held me when I was desperately sad and felt that I couldn't go on. He never left my side. And when I was ready to talk to Him again, He was right there.
While I was doing IVF I went on a "Call The Midwife" binge on Netflix. In one of the episodes something happens (no spoiler) and Sister Julienne consoles her friend who questions God in her grief. She says "God is not in the event. (...) He is in the response to the event. In the love that is shown and the care that is given." God showed Himself to me through so many people who came to my rescue. Even when I was desperately angry at Him... He sent my friends who cried with me, the flowers I received, the meals lovingly prepared for my family, the prayers, the phone calls, the blessings, the loving doctor who held my hand while telling me how sorry he felt that I had to go through this a second time, the nurse that wiped my tears, held my hand, and caressed my hair while I was sobbing uncontrollably on the operation table waiting for the anesthesia to take me away so they could remove everything from inside me from the pregnancy. And let me not forget the few "I felt I needed to call you" when I was in the lowest of lows. God really was in the response. He took care of me through others. I have no doubt of His love for me because of the love that others that love Him have showed me during all this.
One of the most important lessons of this all: It's ok to be angry with God. He won't love me (or YOU) less. He won't leave my side (or YOURS). He is always patiently waiting for me (and for YOU) to calm down so He can embrace me (and YOU) when I'm (when YOU'RE) ready.
Here is the "Follow The Sun" from "To The Bone" soundtrack
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